held is a monthly newsletter centred around yoga + movement, and introspection + feeling. blending embodied practice with therapeutic self-exploration, we dive into different themes, ideas and respond to the world around us.
This month, all paid subscriptions will be donated to Not a Phase, a trans-led, nationwide charity committed to uplifting and improving the lives of trans+ adults, through awareness campaigning, social projects and funding trans+ lead initiatives.
a home
Home is an interesting word to play with when you’ve moved a lot. As a kid, I never finished a school end to end, I was mostly an interloper. I dropped in and I had to make sense of my surroundings pretty quickly ~ what’s the vibe here, what do people need from a new person, how do I fit in? If you’re asking yourself how to fit in, it makes it really hard to ever truly know how to be yourself. Who would that person be if they had choice in it?
Going home has always been a strange thing to consider, to answer when asked ‘where’s home?’. I’m not really sure I know where’d I be going. For a while, spending a long time in one place was quite stressful, I got itchy feet. I couldn’t sit still for quite a few years, I needed to be moving. I think movement was a way of processing without conscious awareness, but it was also a form of escape. Quite literally running away from thoughts and feelings. Tiring my bones and my brain enough to quieten any worries. Lots of long distances travelled by my feet, hard and dynamic yoga practices to distract. Home became a place I found difficult to return to, it was holding too many unspoken things, too still, too confronting.
I am about to move into a new home. Somewhere where I won’t need to check in with a landlord my own age about the mice (THE MICE), asking politely to please do something so I don’t wake up to them jumping off my bedroom door frame. A place where a family grew together and moved on to further build a life. It’s so weird buying a home. It’s weird to pass the baton of your life, of your memories, to complete strangers who’ll place their lives on top of it. Paint on top of paint, walls holding art, having absorbed arguments, pleasure, joy, pain. To build a life inside bricks is something I have not craved before. Perhaps it’s the sense of safety that makes it feel all the more alluring in these times.
It’s also weird when you don’t come from a place where you anticipated this being possible in a place like London. To buy something. It feels difficult to reconcile. Which is hard to discuss because I am lucky, so very lucky, to be in this place, in this position, in this partnership. And yet, it feels a bit like a fantasy, a trick, an illusion. It brings steadiness but it also brings unease, I am reconciling it as I go.
Safety and home doesn’t feel like it naturally goes together anymore. We see every day homes destroyed, places people once called home a place that is unrecognisable. We see displacement on our screens. It’s luck, it’s not design ~ it’s not worthiness where we land on arrival here.
So where is home and what does it mean?
Céline Semaan, the founder of Slow Factory, a nonprofit dedicated to advancing climate justice and social equity, said once in an interview Time Sensitive;
“In my spiritual practice, I kind of came to the peace that home is inside of me, that home is within. Home is my own connection to myself and to my surroundings. I always say that my roots are in a terrarium. They’re not planted, even if I’m here. I’m a guest here. I’m on occupied land. I’m on unceded territory. How can I plant myself fully?”1
Without diving into the important conversations about everybody deserving a safe home (not because it’s not a priority, instead a short discussion will never do it the justice it deserves), there’s something powerful about home existing within ourselves, a place we can return to. It’s not always possible, sometimes the war we rage with ourselves makes being in our skin, our minds, impossible. But if we were able to navigate that landscape & find solace in ourselves, how might that change our connection to places?
I started writing this before I moved and I finish after the move has taken place. I’m immensely grateful I get to have a space that is mine, that is safe. I’m also grateful, perhaps even more so, for the space within myself, in my mind, for being more deeply understood & navigable. Both homes feel congruent with one another. It’s perhaps never existed before in this way for me.
Maybe this what therapy does, in the same way sobriety does; there’s no big high, just a gentle meander down a steady river. No peaks of elation, just a gentle hum of calm, of contemplation. I have chased the highs, sought them out, felt them and have fallen back down to earth with a thump. This, this feels like the place I needed to arrive at.
landing + rest
I’m bringing back a banger for you all to move to and with whilst I adjust to new surroundings and you are in for a treat, this is one of my favourite people to do restful yoga with.
Sylvia Bertolotti, she/her, is a yoga teacher and forager based in Brighton and their Softly workshops are an absolute must if you need to slow down, connect to both yourself and community; and feel rooted back to nature.
This practice, aligned to this theme of landing, is centred on rest, and Sylvia shows us how to do that best, in and around nature.
How are you feeling now? What’s shifted and what’s lifted? Spend a few moments after the practice reflecting on what’s going on for you now.
breathwork + rest
I’m bringing back another belter to help with resting more deeply with an incredible teacher who I admire greatly.
The magical Kasia Murfet, they/them, is a Buddhist Meditation, Breathwork and Qigong facilitator based in Cornwall and their glorious Have a Cup of Tea substack is a must read.
In this practice, we will engage in a humming exercise.
Humming helps us tap into the parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest), slow our heart rate, reduce stress and release of nitric oxide - an antiviral and antibacterial gas that helps you ward off the germs.
In the second part of the practice we will focus on a 4:7:8 breathing technique, allowing you to rest more deeply.
Let’s begin…
Notice how you feel in your body, in your mind. What thoughts and feelings arose and what did you stay with during your practice? What might you be curious about now and explore further?
It might be interesting to create time after this practice to reflect on what comes up that you want to explore more deeply. Maybe it’s a thought or feeling that is timely and present, maybe it’s more deeply rooted.
Maybe you want to talk it through out loud, chewing the words over and feeling them in your mouth, as you hear how they sound from you, with your voice. Maybe it adds a different feeling or sensation to explore this way?
let’s land together… next time
No practice together this month
We’ve been doing monthly classes for a little while now & I’m curious about mixing things up to see what feels good, interesting & helpful to participate in.
Next month we’re going to try two new things:
a seated practice and meditation for 20 minutes on a Friday morning
a restorative practice and meditation for 30 minutes on a Sunday evening
For paid subscribers, you will get a link to these separately next month, as well as the recording and materials afterwards.
If you are a free subscriber and want to come along, there is a sliding pay scale for one or both & more info will follow next month.
passing things on…
A few brilliant do, read, see’s worth checking out:
To do…
run don’t walk to the design museum to see Splash! an exhibition on all things swimming ~ the flare, the movement, the connection ~ utterly fantastic
To read…
the things the Paris Review of Books writers are struck by, in particular Rumi’s poem ‘Water’ and what gardens can stir up within us
To see…
talking about the garden stirring up things up within us, welcome to my new garden and the bird song. a big breath.
thank you for reading held ~ it means the world. this post is free. if you know people who might enjoy this month’s edition or previous reads, please do share ~ thank you.
Time Sensitive, episode 71: Céline Semaan on Why Slowing Down Is Essential for Our Collective Survival
Reading your words with a cup of tea is THE way to spend a morning 🌅 Wasn’t expecting the cheeky lil mention either 💌
Loved reading this Emma. You are so talented and have such a way with words. It all resonated deeply and thank you for putting it down and sharing it with us. We’re lucky to be able to read your work. 🩷